Rain, rain go away...

Ugh.

Its raining out. We were just about to load up and leave to hit the fair and it started to pour. I guess its better that it started before we got out and paid the mint to park and for the ride bracelets and such. I starved the whole day so I could eat half an elephant ear! I figured out that a whole one would be 20 points.. so half would be 10 and itd be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo worth it. Guess thats a tiny sign from the Big Man to not use 10 points on something so terribly delicious. Oh well.. theres always next year.

I'll be honest, I sort of feel like Ive hit a rut. Kind of felt like Ive had the same rain cloud over my head that I can see over my yard. In the last couple days Ive had things happen that have filled up my head and body with anxiety. I used to have alot of problems with anxiety. When I was a junior in college.. I barely left my apartment but to go to class and to come home. In retrospect I probably had some social anxiety disorder mostly caused by weight gain and super low self esteem. Within the first 10 minutes of any class I had Id be all sweating and nervous that somehow attention would be called on me. When I had to give presentations Id just about hyperventilate thinking about it. But when I was up there, as long as I knew what i was talking about.. I was fine. It was just the lead up time that would freak my freak out. Delayed confidence? Is there anything more messed up than that...
Sad, really. Probably should have talked to someone about it instead of letting it wreak havoc on my life. But then I would have been putting myself out there and as we ALL know.. who the hell wants to do that? I was in a bad relationship as icing on that cake and all in all that year was an epic failure.

So in the last couple days when I felt a twinge of those weird feelings I talked it out with Tony. I am not brave enough to take on stress and anxiety by myself yet. I am too weak.

Also.. as a side note. Throughout my many years of growing up and being fat for the last 10 years or so I just wanted to address comments/situations Ive heard or been in so then I can grow past them and not let them bother me anymore. Its all part of the healing process right? After all..this is an honest journal of what I feel and what I do.. if you hate it.. please dont read it. If youre going to read it and then be talking negatively about it... pass on reading it. If youre read it and you disagree/hate/love/question something I post about... call me out on it.. ask me/grill me/interrogate me. But do it to me. Not your neighbor, or your friend.. or someone else. You are all ALLOWED to hate this and think Im searching for attention, reaching for popularity, or venting about nonsense. Youre entitled to your opinion. I am searching for success in a weight loss journey, and hoping to FIND myself along the way.

Going on..
I find out when people say "Oh... she has such a beautiful face." Nothing says wow is she getting fat other than that statement.
I hear about it when you tell someone "She really needs to lose some weight.. or last time I saw Bre.. she has gotten bigger"
It gets back to me when you think things I do are intentionally to spite someone or because Im being selfish. I never have that agenda. If that is how it comes off... then its being read in a TOTALLY wrong way. If you really knew me .. youd know Im a horrible, obsessive PLEASER and I will obsess long and hard about something or someone if I think they are upset or annoyed with me and especially if I KNOW they had been talking shit. Just yesterday I had to call my mom back because when I talked to my dad I thought he sounded a bit offish and that maybe he was mad at something that I had said or did. Not until I got her confirmation that he was not upset was I ok. And I know.. Im sure all of you are looking in your local phone book for the crazy house so they can come pick me up :) I try to not worry and anguish over other peoples opinions and views about me but I cant. Its so deply rooted in my psyche that I will always be like this.
Next. If it is christmas can you please not buy me a diet book. For 4 years, my mother-in-law bought me 3-5 diet books each christmas as my whole gift. Even when I was pregnant. I KNEW I was fat. Its not like we dont know. But please, dont gift me diet books or big boxes of 100 calorie snacks. The throw up gets right to the top of my throat when I have to open those in front of other people. I had to address that- even tho we dont have to be around my mother-in-law ever at holidays anymore.. but maybe it will help someone else not buy diet books or snacks and horrify the shit out of someone. (i actually liked the snacks but maybe not to open them in front of everyone like a huge siren that was screaming HERES A GOOD SNACK CHUBBS)
4thly or 5thly as Ive lost count.
Guess what. talking about me behind my back doesnt really end up making me look bad. It wont help me lose weight, it wont help me to realize I need to make better decisions, it wont inspire me to get healthy so I can live longer. When I find out that youve said these things through various channels.. and there are lots of people out there that do this(this isnt directed at anyone inparticular).. all it does is crush my self-esteem and make me want to eat. SO if you want me to be an overweight, miserable, faking the happy through the days girl, keep on keepin on. But, if you want me to be successful in this life changing journey, and in life in general then--- email me a WW recipe, or post on my fb wall that you see what Im doing and have tried a recipe or fat cutting trick that Ive posted. Maybe youve couponed a bit more or looked for the best price. If you talk to my mom and dad.. maybe you'd make their day and say a positive comment about me. And guess what? Id be eternally grateful that for once in my life I would have HAD your APPROVAL instead of knowing you scoff at me behind my back and love to pounce on any thing bad you can say about me.

Your approval is important to me too. I do not live my life to be disliked by the masses. Potentially the best I can do isnt good enough and youd be horrified if your children or relatives or potential children acted like me. Be that as it may.. I can only be me. Sooner or later Im going to have to learn to love me and accept me and keep on trying to make me be the best me I can be. I may not deserve your approval.. but I would like to earn it. That is the best I can do.

Im working on getting that 10yr old dark rain cloud to float away. Your donations of sunshine are so greatly appreciated. They not only enrich my life, but help me through the days that the overcast moves in and that I feel a little down. For the first time in a long time... I can see the edges of that cloud and I know its shrinking little by little, day by day.

One day..Im gonna wake up and *Poof* its just gonna be clear skies from here on out.