Oh...wasabi..you are my bff.

You heard it. You coat it, powder it, or dip it in wasabi and I am going to l o v e it.

Where does it even come from? I think its in the horseradish family? Im sure I could google it but wheres the fun in knowing exactly where it came from when i can just assume its a small gift from above. What I do know for certain is that I could eat cardboard if I had a small bowl of low sodium soy sauce with a mound of that green delight melted into it to dip the cardboard in.

I know its cheater sushi...but I could eat a california roll every day. And thats not because Im against a spicy tuna roll or my friend Beths fav alaska roll. Im even ok with the nigiri. Its that damn "Monsters inside me" show on the discovery channel that absolutely freaks my freak out. Like 1 out of every three cases of crazy liver eating or intestine melting parasite has been contracted from eating raw fish. And it just skeeves me out. Especially seeing as how we dont really live near a body of water that hosts tuna or shrimp. So cal i for nia rolls it is for this sushi lover. 5 points for a 6 piece roll of that delight. Sad part is, if it did have parasites, I probably lose weight alot faster, and the protein in those worms would lower the points value. :)

Can you believe that a Kroger by me makes it to order? They actually have a guy in there in full chef garb handling that sticky rice and nori to perfection. In a pinch, its actually pretty good. Better than the stuff you can get pre-packaged a week ago at Meijer, but not as good as your Sho gun or Fishbone sushi bar.

Whats your favorite sushi? Ever had it? Scared to try it? Have a must-try for me?

I think the thing with sushi is that it FEELS naughty..with all the accoutrement and sides and wasabi goodness. But if you think about it.. its just fish. Not good old fish n chips, but plain fish, and veg, and a bit of white rice. Its not battered or deep fried.. although it can come that way but soooo not worth the points. I like the veggie one too... and its only 2 pts for the whole roll. So for 12 points you could have 2 cali rolls and a veggie roll and if you ate all that youd be sooo super stuffed. Im not even sure I could eat all that in a sitting. But once again, having that whole plate full of allowed food to pick and choose at makes the brain feel uber happy. And having leftovers is something Im not super familiar with, but am becoming more accustomed too.

Ever had a wasabi soy almond?

I love the wasabi stuff thats on them so much that I may or may not have sucked the flavoring off of like 15 or so of them just so I wouldnt have to take the points for the almonds.

Yes, its that good. I used to do that with doritos, with the cool ranch ones. I didnt really love the dorito but I love that cool ranch flavor. I dont dare do that now as that ranch flavor for sure has some points in it.

This time tho.. I didnt put them back in the bag :)

Oh Monday...you jerkface.

I try to like you Monday. I wake up and try to be cheery but you always, ALWAYS, stop that from happening. Like today, you made me sooooooo busy that it wasnt until 11am that I got to make my iced coffee. Thats like 4 hours overdue so by then I am already a crazy raging lunatic with a perma-scowl.

You already have a bad rap because youre the next day after super saturday and glorious Sunday. But you consistently disappoint me.

Today you made it 100 degrees out. You sent a delivery guy to my house with pool equipment I had ordered 8 weeks ago, and cancelled 7 weeks ago cause I needed it asap. You made me spend an hour explaining to him how I DID NOT WANT THAT 350 dollar liner now because I BUILT THAT POOL ALREADY 6 weeks ago. Then you had me call their corporate accounting office because the delivery guy was trying to collect 13.20 from me for a light gasket EVEN THO I have a 960 dollar credit with them because they over charged me for the wrong lights.

You gave my 3 yr old the attitude of a 17 yr old girl. He was biting, pulling hair, sassing back and acting like the devils spawn. His normally happy-go-lucky nature was replaced with a furrowed brow, devil-may-care attitude and he kept the naughty spot warm all day. It was the last straw when he came up and pretended to fart on my leg. What did I ever do to you dear Monday?

Thanks also for having Tony's tire on the dumptruck lose air. If you dont remember, he was a little mad at Sunday because when he picked up the truck from the repair shop yesterday they charged him 460 to change that tire. So today, when the new tire was already losing air and he needed it to pull home the big trailer with the backhoe on it, it sucked pretty bad. But you let him make it all the way to Riley center rd and then you made a tire on the trailer blow out. Which then bent the axle on the trailer and pretty much ruined it as it'll pry cost more to repair than what we paid for it. But no worries monday.. as Im sure in your bank account you have an extra 10 grand to buy me a new trailer with air brakes...no? Well then you can see my dilemma.

And last but not least, I just wanted to say thanks for letting my big dog get into the trash bag I sat outside for 2 minutes because I had just put a fresh diaper into it. He completely demolished the bag and my front porch was entirely covered with garbage, including but not limited to: cantaloupe seeds and pulp.. which are really easy to clean up, leftovers from when I cleaned the fridge a bit, and the above mentioned diaper.

Its now 11:24, and your reign of terror today will soon come to an end.

I heart Tuesday.

Monday morning weigh-in train...

Whew.

What a weekend. Check that. What a fabulous weekend.

I hosted my girls day on saturday and it was sooo super fun. I not only got to spend time with some of my favorite girls on the planet, I got to feed them, use the fun dinnerware and drink tasty wine.

Carrot soup was awesome. Mango berry salad with ginger glaze and ww cornbread, a hit. Kabobs were yum, summer slaw was a favorite (and ZERO points) and who doesnt love grilled corn on the cob. Dessert was a WHOLE plate full of different tidbits. Sugar free angel food cake and splenda sweetened strawberries, hand cut compliments of Jenni, ww brownie for one point, lemon ice for 0 and yummy chocolatey meringue cookies from my l.l.s.

We all felt full but not sickeningly stuffed and pretty damn happy that we only used up around 9 points.

It can be done y'all! :) 5 courses of food for a total points value less than a mcdonalds hamburger and coke. Still more proof that WW can be squeezed and smushed and will fit into any lifestyle there is out there. I mean, I had a DINNER PARTY...with not just girls doing weight watchers and everyone liked everything we made. With the exception for jhy who is super skinny and super picky...but she still tried everything and didnt really HATE anything :) That was a testament in itself!

Sunday came around and we slept in late and then hit the pool to float the afternoon away. When Tony came back home with the kids, we grilled out dinner (lamb and veggies for them, just veggies and berries for me) threw the kiddos in the tub and ended the day watching a movie and having popcorn downstairs.

Its funny how much more I can get done when I only have one kid at home! Everything got its once over clean job and Tony put up a new fan and painted my accent wall in the living room in an hour :)

Anyway..

So this am I jumped on my scale and am happy to report a loss of 1.6 pounds. For a split second when I did the math I was a little disappointed.. after all the last 3 weeks have been big, big numbers! But then I added it up for the month and it was a total loss of 13.2 pounds. Thats an average of 3.3 pounds per week. Even I cant not be excited about that.

Can you believe we are a month in? That Ive stuck to something for 4, count em, 4 weeks in a row?!

Heres to week 5... 112 days to go.

Off to have my iced coffee delight for 2 points and a weight watchers egg muffin thing for 4.

Chuggin along...chug chuggin along.

Brain Boxing

So I messed up.

For some reason I got on that damn scale. I promised myself I wouldnt be weighing mid-week or every morning cause I go crazy then. But yesterday I just haaaaaaaaaaaaaaad to step on it. And I was geeked because it was almost 2 pounds less than my monday weigh in. Then today I got on and it was only a pound. Ugh!

I know! I know not to do this. I know that weight can flucuate during the day and the week depending on what you eat and what you drink and what you do.

So the rest of the day I was analyzing it and obsessing and bitching and talking to myself and blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So I drank my coffee ate a turkey sandwich and some watermelon and thats all i had for the day.

Which i know just made my one wrong...turn into two wrongs.. and two wrongs dont make a right so for today I have to chalk up a big F.

On the lighter and brighter side I decided on a menu for my all day all fabulous all girl day on Saturday :

Apps:
Turkey meatballs with bbq sauce... 1 point for 2 meata ballza
Texas cavier... made with only 1 tbsp of evoo.. served with baked tortilla chips

Starter
Spicy Carrot Soup...2 points for a serving

Dinner:
Chicken Kabobs..ckn breast, pearl onions, cherry tomatoes, carrots (beth i dig it)
Grilled corn on the cob
Summer slaw... a whopping zEro points :)
Homemade corn bread- 3 points for a pretty hefty size piece

After dinner refresher
Mango Berry Salad with ginger glaze- 2 pts per serving
Assorted lower calorie cheese plate

Later...dessert:
Shimmery lemon ice... 0 points!
2" x 2" homemade cocoa brownie. 3
Both with a mint sprig and a couple raspberries.

Going shopping for the goods early in the am... going to try to make the turkey meatballs and carrot soup a day ahead and just warm them on game day.. hope that works out fine.

Super excited!!
Forgive if I dont post tomorrow...Ill be sooo busy. But I vow to eat correctly, and the majority of my points.
And no more stepping on the scale till monday.

Brain boxing is so over rated.

Wow wow wee wow.

For all of you who have kids... you know how pricey christmas can get. This week at most kmart locations, all of their toys that were already marked down on the clearance rack/aisle are being reduced again by 50%.

Go ahead and zip there, you can finish reading this when you get back :)


I managed to get a ton of xmas shopping done with this years sale. Ended up getting 340 dollars worth of toys for 140. And that's for 4 kids so 2-3 things each and a couple big things for everyone from mr. claus. My cart was overflowing and even the Kmart register lady was like WOW. Then you know what she said to me? "I ought to get back there to toys and see what kind of deals there are." WHAT?!?!?!? You mean to tell me you WORK here and you couldn't even jaunt back to the toys and buy everything you'd want/need for xmas before the doors even opened? Are we as Americans so blaize about life in general that a deal as f a b u l o u s as this doesn't even get our hearts a pumpin? Do we love to be in this recession? Are we now comfy and cozy in a life of mediocrity and are so used to over paying for nearly everything that we just roll over and eat it?

Save your skins people. Why spend your hard earned money on stuff you can get for half off?

Then ... at Kohl's.. I was in shopping for school shirts for Anthony - it was 50% off most stuff and Tonys dad had and extra 30 off coupon so the savings were really climbing. We get to the checkout and my total goes from 130 to 60. And that was for 10 shirts, some short sleeve, some long, and some random pants/towels/shorts. The lady checking us out says... "Yea I try to use my coupons at the grocery store but I always forget them." W h a t ?!? You put the time and effort into clipping and sorting your coups and then forget them at home. So...what you re saying is that you LIKE to overpay? That you WANT to over pay?

I challenge you now, dear to my heart readers. Next time you go to the grocery store...use your coupons. Love them. Respect them with a nifty binder. Scrutinize your mean cashier to make sure shes using the coupons correctly.


If you dont use them on an item that has a current coupon out and youre about to purchase it...you have to pay that 1.00. What if you had 10 items in your cart that had coupons out for them? Try to make me believe you dont have some place better to use 10 bucks.

Coupons are the new cash.

O M G

Well I did it. I actually completed my first day one of week one of the couch to 5k challenge. I cant lie and say it was inspiring or exciting or gave me a sudden love for exercise. It sucked. The jogging made that minute seem like an hour and the walking made th 90 seconds pass by soo fast because I was dreading the jogging part. But I still did it.

I was super tired and had a mindful of excuses why i shouldnt/didnt want to/didnt have to....but the new me prevailed and on went my pink new balance. I have to say that for a fleeting second as I broke into a sprint...I pictured myself jogging and looking good doing it. Although that may not be now, or anytime in the near future, it IS a possibility. That treadmill just may wear on me.

I have no excuse now to not exercise.. and the walking I was doing was for the last three weeks was NOT exercise. I mean it was something.. and thats better than nothing. But today was real exercise. It was the dripping, panting, swearing kind :) You know, the good kind.

Next workout on thursday.

Behold...I am an exerciser.

A neglecter I am...

I know.
I've been neglecting you. Im guilty. But I hope you'll forgive me when I report that although Ive been lazy at my blogging.. I haven't been lazy on my journey.

Proud to report a 3# loss this week.

Grand total three weeks in: 11.6#

You know whats funny? Im still kinda doing the same stuff. I go out to dinner with my friends, I cook big pots of spaghetti and meats of choice in the magic pots, I get the kids numerous snacks a day-- yet I don't even really feel tempted to eat off course. Its weird. Weird in a sort of I don't want to think about it too much and jinx it back to normal kind of way.

I also have a new found love for hot sauce. Ive been putting it on those veggie fillers that I eat to fill up my plate, and my belly. And Ive really grown to like it spicy :)

Alright. Time to announce my new challenge. This one may indeed kill me. I have been keeping my word and doing my exercise 3 times a week. I loathe that treadmill tho. Its right in my bedroom and it greets me every morning when I wake up. When I'm sitting here blogging or reading its whispering to me to suit up and jump on it. Occasionally I will even glare at it. I cant lie. I hate to exercise. I dont mind if its like yard work or playing with the kids or cleaning, etc. But the rigid, boring, walk for 20 minutes and end up in the same spot sucks sooooooooooo bad. And its right in front of the Tv so its not like it should be that bad. I don't know. I guess it just doesn't do it for me. So.. today I decided I might as well hate it worse and start a 5k challenge. I will start tomorrow. Today I will shop for cute treadmill worthy attire for jogging and try to mentally gear myself up. I vow to blog my progress and each session I complete. If I happen to drop dead.. I will have Tony post my obit that so you're all not waiting for my next update.

Can you imagine? Me? Running in a 5k? In public? In running attire?

Well I gotta start somewhere....

I'll post tomorrow after session 1. 20 minutes of alternating 90 seconds walking and 60 seconds running.

I'm also vowing to post before and after pictures of myself. I probably wont be all done by november, but I am going to post a picture on the 13th..the big day before I turn thirty as to what progress Ive made. Now if that's not motivating to start loving that damn treadmill I don't know what is.

Tomorrow, the love/hate affair between the treadmill and I begins.

Saturday Night Fever

Ugh.
I hate not being able to sleep for a multitude of reasons. For starters, I love sleep. I need to get as much sleep as possible because it till only be a couple hours before 1-4 of my offspring wakes up to: pee, request a drink, cry for mommy, yell out at somekind of dream, or make their way into our bed. Secondly, being up late gives me the munchies and I just used the last of my points on cantalope and blueberries.

I also havent had a Diet Coke for 2 days. No, no, Im not going cold turkey and cutting out diet soda too. Id be the biggest beeotch on the planet if I chose that route, and Id like to stay sane for the most of this process as well. I just ran out, and although I was at the store yesterday, I somehow forgot to replenish my current drug of choice.
So now youd think Id be extra tired because Im not getting any caffeine, but instead I am wide awake. And I know its not that late, and all of you who are young and energetic are scoffing at the notion that Id actually want to be in bed this early. Well youre wrong...I wanted to be asleep by ten...so Im even more of a lame-o than you thought. But after a long, hot day outside and in the pool, I feel drained physically but super alert mentally. I suppose here in a few Ill put on some news as it usually puts me to sleep.

Big day tomorrow. Home again with everyone so Ill be playing mommy's diner all day and having to cook each meal and it has to be something that everyone will eat, yet still WW friendly.

Excited for monday... hoping to have lost at least 1.4 pounds as that will put me up over the 10 lb mark.

More to come tomorrow.. SNL just came on and I havent been up late enough to watch it for a long time :)

Live from New York...its Saturday Night~

I can smell a hani a mile away..

Ok fattys..

If youre anything like me, and you know what a hani is, you probably understand the bliss you feel and choirs of angels you hear when youre in an establishment that serves them.

Traditionally offered by our friends over at national, today....here in Emmett, Michigan, I have recreated the hani in a weight watchers friendly way. Although I had to omit the mayo as I couldnt rationalize taking almost as many points for a condiment as I had to take for the actual protien, and I skipped the cheese as well-mostly because on Tonys he happened to dump and melt half the bag I had left of f/f cheddar so I was SoL on the cheese.

Here's how it played out:

One chicken breast which after baked weighed in perfectly at 4oz.

2 tsp of bakin' magic. Not sure why I even bought it but I knew id be baking alot more things and Im sure I would have needed some magic to make them tasty and Thank God for that little package. I shook the ckn breast in the allotted amount and it made it bake up with a sorta crispy outside and a taste somewhat comparable to the spices in a wrap from kfc. A perfect ruse as it didnt even fool my super picky tastebuds.

La tortilla factory...I love you. For one glorious point I can have one of your super delicious tortillas. It has like 100 calories, 1 gram of fat and 12g, yes thats 12g of dietary fiber. I know I can only count 5g but who cares as it comes out to one point and I will be wrapping my way to skinny jeans with these bad boys.

Boston lettuce. Oh how high end you make me feel. I am so glad you dont taste like iceberg as the only way to eat iceberg lettuce is smothered in ranch. But you, youre so green and crispy, and make my homemade wrap look and taste expensive. Well played friend.

Grape tomatoes and sugar free bread and butter pickles. The little bit of relish I made from you to give some moisture to this hani delight really surprised me. And for 0 points, you are now my new caviar.

Wrap...relish, lettuce, magic coated chicken.. with a side of parsnips with a little spray butter and splenda.

Hani=heaven.

If you havent been... visit soon.

And do it for 6 points.

Roadblock cometh..

I almost hit a wall yesterday. The stress level in our house is seriously through the roof. Theres the business stuff, personal stuff, kid stuff, life stuff, stuff stuff on top of that and ugh....
And theres food. There is sits with its inviting, warming glow.. whispering promises of instant comfort and relief. It makes you want to eat it. It makes you want to believe that you'd feel better if you grabbed that spoon and finished off the rest of a container of chocolate almond.

I fed my stress so many times in the past it was almost as if I didnt know what to do to not feel so down. My kids were sleeping, my hubby was engrossed in a TV show and I was sorting my coupons. I finally got up, drank a huge glass of water and went to sleep. I realized that even if I would have filled my face with something decadent and forbidden, I still would have been just as stressed. Actually probably even MORE stressed because it would have been the first time I would have cheated since I started this journey.

Need to snap out of it today somehow..not feeling the urge to eat but just feeling kind of blah.

Retail therapy needed. Will update status after therapy session over :)

Give me a P...give me an A...give me an R...give me a SNIP...

Yes. That's right.

I not only bought a white lovely carrot like vegetable...I cooked one and ate it too.
And I liked it.

I mean it wasn't a single of blue moon, or a slice of raspberry pie...but it was actually really good.

Maybe part of this whole journey is also about having a TRUE appreciation for food. Not just the LOVE for food itself, but the actual admiration that comes along with savoring each and every bite and appreciating textures and tastes for what they are. Funny thing is.. I don't really LOVE all the no-no foods that are out there. And when I compare them to the fresh and newly found love for delicious vegetables and fresh fruit..I wonder what the hype is all about? Is fried chicken really that great when all you taste is this magical blend of 20 spices and grease? How do you even know if that's chicken in there? What if its rat and that's why there has to be a zillion spices?

I tend to eat slower now. I sit and chew with thought. I actually LEAVE things left over on my plate. I know!! I don't have to eat every crumb AND lick the plate and I wont die. Theres a revelation every minute some days. :)

That spicy, crunchy root will serve as a milestone in this backpack journey till November.

I not only ate that parsnip....I embraced it.

125 days and counting.

Hey Ho Jennie-O...

Alright. So we all know that we can ALWAYS get ourselves a deal on food thats practically junk. You know.. the 10/10 at kroger that nets us $1 toaster pastries, $1 bags of cheetos, kroger donuts, and many other fried, sugar filled, empty calorie items inaccurately labeled "food". Thats not food folks. Thats garbage. Its delicious, I know. But theres a reason its so cheap. Theres also a reason why America is so rotund. Take 20 dollars in your local store and see what you can buy? Albeit, Krog does have some veggies on 10/10.. but spending a dollar on an english cucumber or a dollar on a box of toaster pastries doesnt seem like a hard choice for those americans who are trying to feed a family on a ever-so-tight budget.

Its no wonder we have an obesity issue. Supermarket chains make it soooooooooo much easier to stretch that dollar by filling our carts with shotty food stuffs instead of stuff thats good.for.us. The $1 loaf of bread is either a all white bleached loaf or a faux wheat loaf that probably jsut has brown food coloring to make it look "wheaty". I bought a loaf of 12 grain yesterday, it was 2.99. Thats a 1:3 ratio and more proof that we get punished financially trying to eat healthy. The chicken that was on sale 10/10 was fatty thighs and legs. The chicken breast was 10 dollars for a package of four. Generic concentrated orange juice was $1 for a half gallon where the simply orange was 2.99 a liter. Does that make sense? Do the supermarket chains NEED America to stay fat so they can stay in business? To hock their store brand donuts and potato chips for $1 each? Its sick.

Thank God for summer and for the local farmer markets and veggie stands. We have a local corn grower over here and the corn is phenomenal.. Its still in the bags from them picking it that morning. So looking forward to August.

So my new challenge for myself is to find a weekly deal somewhere to post about that helps all of us save on something that is HEALTHY for us. The deals are out there... and Im about to exploit my freezer and my freezer bags by snatching them up and reporting to you all.

Today's deal:

1st deal:

Silk soy yogurt 32oz big containers.
Reg price 2.99- marked down at Meijer to .75 a container.
Ive never had it, I might hate it- but I doubt it. Ill add some fruit and ice to it and throw it in the blender and the kids wont know the difference. I got 8. Some for me and some for a friend whose son can only have soy stuff. Into the freezer it went where it will keep well. Thats a 75% savings.

2nd Deal:
Jennie-O frozen turkey breakfast links and breakfast patties.

75% less fat than regular ground beef and super tasty in a healthy breakfast burrito or as a replacement for some fatty regular links at sunday brekkie.

Found 15 packages yesterday at my local SuperK. They were due to be sold/frozen by the 21st. They were regularly priced 3.49/package, but because of the sell date quickly approaching they had SuperK instant savings coupons of $2 off each package.

That made all 15 packages 1.39 each!!

Straight into the deep freeze they went. Where they will be fine and Ill use them one by one when needed. Love my deep freezer. Love that people are sooooo scared of reduced stuff. I mean if its fuzzy and green by all means avoid it. But if its not even that close to sell date (which doesnt even mean expiration date) and you have the freezer space.. Buy it. Throw it in there and start building your sexy stockpile of glory.

If armageddon comes.. head to my house for free soy smoothies and turkey breakfast sausage.



After thought: dear Jessica Simpson.. please dont be straddling your new boyfriend of the week. That picture of him clutching your ass and almost about to tip over while getting some help holding you up from another mysery hand does not help your crusade to become once again a normal woman. I know youre a wonderful size.. and you get harassed alot by the media for putting on and losing the same 10lbs. But stop getting caught doing the stupidest shit, stop trying to sing country music and forgetting lyrics half way thru, and stop hocking fake hair extensions. Take your earnings, move to italy, buy a villa and disappear.
Thank you,
Bre.

Well hello there wooshie fairy....

When your little and you lose a tooth.. you wait ever so patiently for dusk to fall so you can put your tiny dentin filled treasure under your pillow. What will that fairy bring? Hopefully at least a dollar or two, or if youre lucky and its a weekend maybe the tooth fairy has had a few beers or glasses of vino and mistake a 5 spot for a dollar.

My whooshie fairy must have came last night. I wont lie, I was worried about todays weigh-in. Not because I wasnt exercising or because I had cheated in any way, but mostly because my friend mother nature was over for a visit. Also- I had had such a great week during week number 1, that I thought for sure week 2 might be a disappointment which would then start the wheels spinning for total self-destruction.

I got on and off my scale 8 times today. I moved it from here to there and stepped on, and stepped off. My husband was like "wtf? If it says the same thing over 8 times it must be accurate."

The scale read 5.2 pounds less than last monday. 5.2!!! I about peed my pants. If I hadnt already squeezed every ounce of fluid out before I stepped on the scale I just might have. I dont anticipate a loss like this every week. Like I said, Im a realist. But I'll take it :)

Weight watchers really makes it easy to do this. I know. I wrote that. It allows me to have a little bit of this and a little bit of that and not feel guilty if I do. Who knew you could eat AND not feel guilty?? That you didnt have to always eat your own different pre-packaged meals and start longingly at the food your family members were mowing down? That your mother was indeed RIGHT when she said over and over.. its portion control and exercise.. more has to go out than comes in..

Thank you dear whooshie fairy.. please stop in again next monday and every monday from here till November 14th. I imagine you as a short, fat, little grandmotherly looking fairy.. who swoops in and magically zaps the lard out of our bodies while we slumber. Zap away granny you got lots of work left to do :)

Oh weekends you tempt me..

Whew... well I made it through Saturday. For some reason being home all day with the kids without having to do any real busy work made it harder to stay away from the fridge. They are constant eaters.. I'm loading the dishwasher after breakfast and Anthony already wants goldfish crackers. We made dipper eggs (that's what my Dom calls those that are sunny side up) and 9 grain toast along with oranges for breakfast. For lunch it was chicken nuggets and baked fries for them and a chicken enchilada smart one for me with a side of broccoli. That smart one was pretty darn good. I chopped up a tomato on top for a little moisture and to add more volume and when I was done I felt full, and satisfied in a taste kind of way too. I mean its no Poncho's soft homemade tacos, but for the time being it did its job well. You all would have laughed at me because I took out the container of light sour cream, calculated the points.. 1 for 2 tbsp...started my wheels spinning and then I put it back. My mind could not rationalize using up another point for 2 tbsp of something that I probably didn't need. And it was right. I wouldn't have even tasted it really because the enchiladas come with some kind of spicy cheesy creamy looking sauce. So I'll take that as a win in the battle of brain over belly. For dinner I made a roast in one of the magical pots with some carrots and some red sauce I had made the other day for homemade manicotti. I measured out 3 oz for 5 points (Not super worth it but I was in the mood for that comfort food) took a whole carrot from the pot for 1 (seeing as how it basted in the meat juice I figured I should take one) and had a spinach and baby lettuce salad on the side with some of the homemade applebees cheater dressing. I made it a bit different than I had posted by using only a tbsp of light mayo, dijon mustard, 3 dashes of sesame oil, 2 tbsp of rice wine vinegar and emulsified it with some EVOO. It made about 3 servings so I errored on the side of fat and took 2 points for it. So dinner notched me out for 8 points. Total yesterday I ate about 10 points less than I should have. It wasn't that I was being some kind of cape wearing hero. I just wasn't in the mood to eat and every time I was giving the kids a snack I was talking myself out of having a snack too. So I think I half hypnotized my spongy brain into listening to me for once.

Today will be a challenge as well. Tony will be gone again for the first half of the day and Ive already had to pass on goldfish crackers, olives, and honey comb cereal. For lunch I took some brats out of the freezer for the kids and for Tony. Yes, brats. The cheese ones. The ones that God specifically formulated to meet every fat girls dream. Grilled meat WITH melty cheese inside? Does it get better than that? Then you get to put it into a homemade Italian roll and slather it with mustard? Ugh. I refuse to eat one. I'm not even going to calculate the points on it so I don't try to rationalize eating one. Its probably around 20 points or something closer to 1000. Id have to starve till wednesday because Id be over my points by a trillion or something. Im going to stick with that as although my brain had a victory yesterday, my belly is a wily bastard... hes sneaky, hes tricky and hes a manipulator. Especially when it comes to cheese filled delights. I only took out one package too and I think there is 6 in there so that's one each and 2 for tony. I'm going to head down to the freezer of sanity and have a tasty smart one. Maybe the sesame ckn one and make some brown rice to go along with it and bulk it up a little. Either way I wont be tempted by the brat of desire. He may look delicious, he may taste like heaven.. but he will go right to my belly bulge and piss me off the rest of the day. Sorry brat. Today you lose.

For dinner I think Ill fire up the charcoal grill again and do some grilled zucchini and some grilled lamb burgers. I'm going to try to make some quick tsatziki with some light sour cream, garlic, and cucumber. I don't happen to have the greek yogurt I need and it doesn't warrant a trip to the store. I don't think Ill eat one tho as 2 oz of lamb is 4 points.. but tony will be clicking his heels in the air with joy. Ill probably throw some ckn breasts on there for tonight and for the next couple days for a quick salad addition or ckn salad lunch. Might as well cook as much as I can once I have it fired up because its truly a task for me.

Im going to go through the ads later and post any good deals that I see. I did hit the kmart doubles this week and picked up some jergens overnight relief lotion for a $1 a bottle normally 4. Hahahahah and its for feet and cracked hands for all of you who were wondering exactly what that was for. I'm having girls night the 24th so I have to make sure my stockpile is replenished and ripe for the picking. I want those girls to go home thinking they just hit the jackpot at some crazy grocery store :)

If you live near a 7-11...today you can go and get a FREE slurpee (7/11/10) So hurry on in there and have a cherry slurpee and think of me.. then call me to tell me how it was and/or stop by and let me smell your breath. Should hold me over until I can have a slurpee again :)

For any of you who live near a CVS.. Ive seen tearpads on the beverage coolers with coupons for 50 cents off vitamin water or vitaminwater zero. If you take those coupons to meijer or sometimes kroger you can get yourself some free vitamin water if your store doubles. So keep a watchful eye out for those.

I stole a recipe from my lls for iced coffee and modified it a bit today:
1 large glass filled with ice
1 pkg instant coffee
1 cup water
1 pkg cappuccino cooler french vanilla
1/2 cup almond milk

Blend and enjoy for only 2 points.
Its a glass licker for sure as its d e l i c i o u s.

Alright.. off to busy myself so I stay away from the fridge and the pantry of temptation. After all tomorrow is weigh in day!!!

Did i just use 3 exclamation points after the words "weigh-in day" ?? Could it be that Im actually excited to get on the scale and see progress?

Pigs can fly.

And this piggy will see you all tomorrow bright and early.

Baa Baa Black Sheep... have you any wool..

Have you ever watched the movie Black Sheep with the late Chris Farley and the ever funny David Spade? I haven't seen it for years, but I enjoyed it when it came out. That man was a comic genius. Even with so-so material, he could spin it and make it hilarious. Remember the Chippendales skit from SNL? Tommy Boy? Those friends, were some great classics.

I earned my black woolen coat in may the spring of 1984.

So, my mom was working as a nurse down in Bay City, and she carpooled with these other ladies to and from work. Well one of those ladies had a husband who thought a guy he worked with would be great for my mom. They met on a blind date. I know!!!! How funny. I know my mom HAD to be nervous, after all she was not quite a year out from her divorce, with a 2 yr old kid (and as we all know existing babies are not quite a guy magnet), and she's very quiet and shy so I bet she was freaking out. Think prom date times 1000 cause she had never even met him before. What if something like Andy Dick stepped out of the car....ugh... I'm sure it was nerve racking. Even tho everyone who has ever met my dad likes him, I bet he was shitting his pants too- he gets nervous and you can really see it and tell when he is uneasy about something. My mom said she peeked out of the window and when she saw him she felt her heart do a flip-flop. It wasn't long after they started dating that he was ready to get married...but she wanted to not rush it seeing as how her first go round with my real "father" was a hot mess. My real "father" turned out to be one of those "awesome before marriage....shitbag after" kind of guys. I am always sorry she had to go through such a nightmare.. but am thankful for the fact that I am here because of it..and I say that in the least selfish way possible.

My Dad came to my 2nd birthday party and bought me a red hoodie zip up. Im not sure how I was towards him when I was 2. I do have vague memories of having to share my mom who had been mine, and mine alone for as long as I could remember. 2 Mays later and I was wearing a rose colored dress, carrying a basket of flowers, and starring in the role of flower girl :) I remember at the reception during the bridal party dance my cousin who was the ringbearer wouldn't dance with me. I longed for acceptance so badly that I actually remember feeling upset. Would the rest of this new blend of families see me the same way?

That, friends, was the only the beginning. For my mom, it was the beginning to a beautiful life with a wonderful man-its been over 25 years now- and for me this was my chance to have a dad. A real dad. One who stuck around and did the dad stuff, and treated my mom like a real man should. Neither of us could have asked for a better guy to sign up for the job. My dad is great with kids, loyal to his people and has an over all zest for life in general.

But something was missing. 26 years later and I still resent my real "father". He stole from me something I never got to experience with my dad. There was always love there, don't get me wrong, there was always support and advice and stern talks and opinions, but there was never that Daddy-daughter thing that I see in so many of my girlfriends relationships with their fathers. If I was in trouble and needed someone to bail me out, help me out, have my back or protect me, I would not have gone to him. That's not saying that he wouldn't have done those things...its just saying that I was always so wrapped up in the constant disappointment I handed over to him that I wouldn't want him to think I was any more of a loser. I was not blood, therefore I did not inherit the natural God given good looks, talent, smarts, athletic ability, computer genius, executive material...I could go on forever. I was more of like a mutt. I was nothing to look at, halfway smart, mediocre at sports, not real driven or passionate about one subject, and every day of my life I felt I would never be good enough for anyone on his side of the family. Including him.

I have so many vivid memories of being young.. like 6-10 years old, but SMART enough to know I was being kind of treated different. I learned to accept my status as a black sheep. I was never treated badly, just sometimes treated differently. I was expected to do things one way while others had the leisure and privilege to do things another way. I know the pressure was on him. Who wants to have adopted a daughter who wasn't a shining star? Who wasn't as pretty as her cousins, as athletic as them, as smart or as driven as them. Who wants someone who messed up alot in alot of serious choices she made? Who would be proud of that?

I can remember a time that a family member took my cousins and I to McDonalds for lunch. They brought me a sandwich to eat there because they felt I needed to lose some weight. Maybe that was true at that time, I was pudgy when I was younger as well. But I was also like 9. I was just a kid. I will never forget that and the feeling I felt as I sat there. It is the same feeling that I feel whenever I think about this topic. Its why I never talk about it, never bring it up, never say anything about anything. It hurts like hell to not feel good enough, to be treated in a different way, to be branded a black sheep from the word go. Was it really so horrible? Was it really so hard to love someone who so badly needed to belong? To feel loved and accepted by the people who were always suppose to love and accept you? The pressure they put on my dad because of the things I chose to do and say affected the relationship I have with him. I am not his daddy's girl. I am not the apple of his eye. I'm not even sure if I deserve to be. But I want to be. And if it takes me until the day I croak I will do what I need to do to make him proud. It may not be because of a fantastic career, a fantastic net worth or a fabulous lifestyle of a personal trainer, but because I am who I am. I am almost 30, but when I am around him I feel like I am 6. I am so happy anytime he decides to come with my mom and visit. I wait for conversations with him about stuff we agree on or stuff we are both interested in so maybe he will think I'm smart. Every once in awhile he will just call me out of the blue and it makes my whole day. I wonder how old you have to be before you stop looking for approval from your parents? I wonder how different my life would have been if I didn't have this void that was suppose to have been filled my being someones little girl. Would I not have constantly went from boyfriend to boyfriend and sought male approval? Would I have liked myself for who I was and not hated myself for who I needed to be but refused to be? Did we miss out on that special bond between father and daughter that's somehow instilled when sperm meets egg?

I see that bond every day. I see it when Tony gets home from work and Elliana sighs and says.. Daadaa. She's glued to him the first hour hes home like an appendage. I watch him as he watches her play and he has this half smile on and is gazing at her with a profound love. My heart melts when he says.."Youre the prettiest baby girl in the world, you're daddys ger-gerl." If I could have given my daughter one gift when she was born..that would have been it. That bond she has with her daddy will keep her spirit lifted long until she is gray.

The black sheep. Its a position Ive held for many years, and will happily hold for many more. He is worth it to me. He is the best dad I could have asked for. It is never too late for me to make him proud and become his little girl.

After all, black wool is always in style.

10 notches on the bed post...

Sorry.
Im sure that title got your heart racing and your wheels spinning that this blog was going to be filled with some hot and juicy gossip about something romance novel worthy.

Today, I'm ten days in. 130 days to go.

Julie & Julia is on and I just adore this movie. Tomorrow Im going to try and practice poaching an egg. Ive never had one, and I bet it'd be a whole different taste and texture. I guess theres actually more to it with the swirling water and what the egg does when it hits the H2O. Oooo and braised cucumbers sound interesting as well. They might be a no go tho seeing as how she does love her butter. Julia Child's beautiful relationship with her husband reminds me alot of my own with the T. Her husband was a very attractive, very popular man- much like my own hubs and I was a not so skinny, not so quiet college graduate who had just moved to a big old city all alone. I am thankful everyday for the way he looks at me and the way he loves me. Although he tells me often, its more by the way he treats me and looks at me that makes me feel so happy to be in love. Life is so much better with your soul mate. I guess you were right.... this did turn out to have a romance tidbit.

Onward and upward (well downward I hope too) for the next 130 days-

Off to share some f/f popcorn with my penguin xoxo.

RIP Fishy and Goldilocks...

If you did not hear the faint sound of taps playing in the background or the swirl and woosh of the porcelain tomb, which sent dear Fishy and Goldilocks to their final resting place- today I must sadly announce that they have passed. First fishy, his 24 hours here with us on the kitchen counter were so special...his golden scales, and flowing tail made him a delight to watch as he darted in and out of the sunken ship. After her mate died, poor goldilocks started swimming sideways, fish specialist coco diagnosed she was suffering from a broken heart, and mere hours later she left this earth as well. RIP sweet .19 feeder goldfish. May you have relished your hours on this earth and had enjoyed your short yet sweet trip to our home. If not for our fishbowl, you were about to be bagged up and brought home by a man who had 10 red bellied 7inch long piranhas. And they liked their food alive. Although you unfortunately met your demise, at least it was in the comfort of your own bowl and not as the midnight snack of a sharp toothed carnivore.

Whew. Yesterday was SUCH a busy day. I don't know if I stay busier now because I have more things to do other than eat, or if life has just decided to throw me a few extra things to keep it spicy. I was up, fed kids, dealt with an issue, showered, had a hair appt, went for a walk in the blazing heat, got a pedi, went to dinner, went to meijer, dealt with a van issue, and made it home. Mix in there about 20 phone calls to customers and to Tony about customers and a quick stop to CVS and my day was really packed pretty full.

So yesterday as I mentioned I went to dinner. Fortunately I went with one of my girls who is doing the WW along with me, so I knew that temptation should be at bay seeing as how we were going at this together. Couple that with the fact that we had just walked 20 minutes in what felt to be near the equator and I knew we wouldn't be wanting to splurge. Applebees is soooooooooooooooooooo bad for you. Beth googled all the nutritional value and excluding the 4 or 5 WW meals and a couple of the new 550 meals you are actually eating lard. I dont know if they flavor EVERYTHING on the menu with bacon grease... then deep fry it, add dressing and mayo, then garnish - or what. It is horrible. But amidst the heart cloggers, they do have the cajun lime tilapia/chicken, which turned out to be a winner. We got extra pico for 0 points and a side salad with a touch of dressing of choice for 2 points and a skinnybee margarita for 2 points and got out of there using about 10 points. Seeing as how I had only eaten 6 points earlier in the day that left me plenty if I needed a quick snack and the f/f popcorn Tony and I had while watching the news really hit the spot. All in all.. Applebee's I challenge you. Make some fat free boneless wings please and some fat free mexi ranch. :)

Also, if anyone lives near a CVS, when I popped in one yesterday to grab a couple 0 calorie Sobe lifewaters, I checked the clearance and they had 22 bottles of pantene, all normally 4.99 but on for 75% off. That brought it down to 1.25/bottle. Then, on the front of all these bottles, there was a peelie coupon for $1 off. So I got 22 bottles of it for a quarter a bottle. It was the moisture renewal and color care line, so maybe CVS is discontinuing it. Either way, if any of you need shampoo/conditioner, come on over and check out the stockpile. When the clerk was ringing me out, he had to price modify each of the shampoos and also manually enter the coupon- until the machine from 1950 beeped and he had to call over the manager. The manager walked over and looked at my enormous stack of hair product and kind of eyed me up and down and said "What in the world would you need all this stuff for?" I assertively (which is not like me really, but here I have all this self worth now which is new), looked him in the eye and said "Not that its your business, but I have 4 kids so we will use it, share it or donate it as I cant beat it for a quarter a bottle." He just stared at me for a minute and then proceeded to take the other 12 dollars off my order in one press of a button. So here's to you CVS cashier in your white lab coat you were pretending to wear even though I know for SURE you do not work in the pharmacy, and also to you mr moustached CVS manager with your FBI-like grilling of me and my abundant purchase of pantene to be sold on the black market. You refilled my dwindling stockpile AND gave my kids the opportunity to have shiny, lustrous locks. Well played.

There is nothing I love more than getting a deal. Although to some that may seem a bit cat lady, a bit hoarder, I can tell you that we really do go through the shampoo.

So stockpiling. Its how I save the most money. Its how you could save the most money too. When you re at meijer or wherever and they have your or your kids favorite juice on sale... don't just get one or 2. Get 6. If you have the room/clams, and store them in your basement or your spare bedroom or your huge pantry. Start your stockpile today. You know you will need to buy juice again and its not like its going to waste.. why pay 2 dollars more when you need it again in 2 weeks, when you can be prepared for that shortage and stock up now. I use juice as a common example but it applies to all aspects of the grocery list. Black olives for instance- this week at Meijer, 10/10 with the 11th free. That's .90 a can. They are almost 1.50 full price and even the recent sale prices I have seen are around 1.50. I have been blessed my the hubs with two huge closets down stairs equipped with gorilla racks to store and manage my whole stockpile. They look like a store themselves. But now, when I need olives for something low-fat and tasty, I zip downstairs which gives me exercise, and I have them and I got them for .90/can. I don't need to run to Kroger which wastes gas and time and then still have the privilege to over pay when I get there. So stock up folks. It WILL be the way you will start to save money. And the first time you NEED that juice/shampoo/cracker, and all you have to do is walk to your stockpile you will feel smart, savvy and like the saver you should feel like. After all, there are plenty of other things in life you could spend that money on....

Last week I stocked up on Sweet Baby Rays bbq sauce when it was a $1 a bottle.
This week I stocked up on shampoo, garden delight pasta for .61/box, motts for tots apple juice for 1.67 a big bottle, and black olives @.90/can.

I think Ill start posting what it is I've stocked up on each week, where and what price. Also if I find any deals with coupons Ill post those as well.

Less eating. More exercising. Less stress. More saving...

Sounds like a mantra even I could get used to...even if it does mean I'm the crazy coupon lady at the register in front of the wannabe high-end, nose in air, uppity broad. :) Go to the USCAN then. Or better yet, let me keep my coupons and pay my bill. This is how I save my family money. This is how I can help keep our bottom line low. Its not like Meijer only has 1 checkout. Its not like you didn't see that I had a cart piled up like Everest. Having a stack of coupons the size of the yellow book does not make me white trash. Quite the contrary, dear overpaying snotty lady, the money I save actually increases our net worth. Why pay my husbands hard earned money to Meijer when theres a way I could keep it? OR- get double the amount of groceries that are in your cart and only pay 1/3 of the price? Did the thought of you carrying around a coupon binder the size of the one I have make you shudder? Would the papercuts and time I 'wasted' on clipping all these coupons have put you behind in your schedule of daily monotony? Sad. As about half the things you have in your cart I have in mine as well... but my awful, dreadful, move me down a notch in the caste system coupons are going to work for the same items you're buying. Except mine will be free. And that, dear evil eye, will make them taste oh so much sweeter.

So here's to you smart and savvy blog reader.. and to your continued success at being a saver.

Kingsford you are so complicated...

Dear Kingsford,
Please do not sell me a bag of your charcoal with the pictures on the back printed with the words "easy light grooves making for quick ignite". By quick ignite do you mean an hour of me shredding every last piece of paper that I own? Do you chuckle at the thought of random grill users scrounging around the woods like a boy scout looking for sticks to build this campfire required to get some ashy coals? Why didnt you put the words "Apply starter fluid" In CAPITAL LETTERS so I would have thought to pick some up at the Depot when I was already there. Youre lucky my husband came home because I had already gotten the torch out and was about to grab the gas can. We almost had to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because of you and your evil. Then, I got to get a lesson on how to light charcoal from the 'teacher' and I was even more annoyed. I dont care if I have to build a pyramid over paper and twigs to get you to light. This is the reason you, charcoal homemade barrel grill thingy, that you get banished to the lot line, and that your nemisis-propane grill gets top bidding on the deck. He lights when I push a button. He also has a side burner as who doesnt like to multitask.

He cannot however, replicate the delicious flavor you envelope every food that touches you with. Today, it was steaks for daddy and the kids and ckn breast for me. I guess you are worth the effort and I may quite possibly get another pin on my girl scout sash once I conquer your 5-step ignition process.

Grocery list:

Lighter Fluid.

Applebees Oriental dressing cheater version

Adapted from Livestrong.com

6 Tablespoons sugar free imitation honey
3 Tablespoons Chinese rice wine vinegar
1/2 cup of low-fat mayo
2 Teaspoons dijon or spicy mustard
1/4 tsp sesame oil


I just made this for my lunch salad and it was BA. Tasted alot like the one at applebees that they serve on that super delicious super bad for you oriental ckn salad.

Only needed like 2-3 tablespoons for a huge salad and that recipe made quite a bit :)
Im going to try to mix it up a bit and just use rice wine vinegar, the sesame oil, half the honey, the mustard and cut out the mayo. Ill let you know the results.

Me...making my own dressing. It must be snowing in hell :)

Well whats in a name anyway...

So Tony and I decided to buy the kids a fish. Well two fish actually. A little cute fishbowl, blue and aqua rocks and a sunken ship for ample hiding space. It was a huge success. They were glued to the counter that the bowl was sitting on and I was getting such a kick out of watching them laugh and talk to each other about it. So today we welcome "fishy", named by Rocco- and "Goldilocks", named by Dominic and seconded by Anthony. Anthony was really trying to come up with a great name so he was just trying to throw anything out there that came to mind. "How about Fishbowlfish? Or Goldfishswimmer? Or Housefishmorton? Then out spurts Dom with the Goldilocks. Hahahaha.. its a funny name especially seeing as how Dom "knew" it was a girl fish and seeing as how there aren't and bears around, or any porridge I'm not sure where the connection was made in his 4 yr old brain. Regardless, I loved both the names the kids picked and hope those names inspire these 19 cent feeder goldfish to hang on to life for more than a week or so.

So what is in a name anyway? Does what our parents name us have anything to do with who we turn out to be? How do people pick their nicknames out of many?

Are those of us who are named more hippy-like grow up to be more of a free spirit, out to save whales and rid our lives of anything to do with meat? Those of us named more traditional grow up to be straight-laced professionals with we-can-do-it attitudes and squeaky clean shoes?

Do the III, and IV of this world have identity issues? Perhaps its hard to find who you really are when you're from a great line of men who accomplished much, when life now makes it hard to accomplish little.

I suppose in my case I always thought I needed to be a little bit different. Maybe I craved attention, maybe I sought for approval from someone, from anyone who could give that to me. I dyed my hair crazy colors, I wore clothes from the thrift shop even tho my parents would happily buy me new clothes, I constantly had a boyfriend and at some times even two. I needed that approval. For some reason, I needed all those things so I could feel good about myself- and now looking back, I see it was all really just to fill a void.

When I was in high school, I was like one of only a couple Bre's that I knew of. It wasn't as popular of a name as it is now and I'm forever in the grocery store hearing some mom frantically yell my name to her 6 yr old daughter who has disappeared behind an aisle or display. In HS, I barely performed to my fullest potential. I sort of applied myself to my school work, I sort of applied myself to my extra-curricular activities; but I fully applied myself to trying to have people notice me and like me. Who lives day to day just trying to impress a group of people that at one time I probably peed my pants or puked in front of? Why did I care so much about the opinions of my peers?

Because I was a nobody.

I came from a family very well-known in my little town. My grandfather owned the town implement, my grandmother was a secretary for the school. My father and his siblings all went through high school being excellent at sports, or with a high G.P.A, good-looking, and they were all popular. Naturally popular.

Then there was me. The next wave of the Gwisdala name. Dorky with braces, crazy hair, no real fashion sense and with up and down weight issues, junior high welcomed me like ants to a picnic. I didn't know who I was. All of a sudden the friends you have had for years are grouped into different social circles. Friends you had during the summer wont even acknowledge you're alive once inside those cement walls. And amidst the crowded halls and all the hustle and bustle...you feel alone.

I remember trying out for the basketball team when I was in ninth grade. I had just gotten a cast off from breaking my foot during a game of lighting over at my neighbors house. Cast or not, I was never a good basketball player. Regardless, I still went and tried out because I sooo wanted to be around those girls. I remember the coach telling me I hadn't made the team, which wasn't really a surprise to me, but the thought of me having to tell my parents this was so upsetting to me. Would they see it as another failure in the book of me? I could only think how proud my dad would be of me if I had made that team. How proud I would have been of myself if I could have "belonged" to something so fabulous. Didn't my name give me passage to be there? To be cool and to belong?

I did surprise myself, and the world perhaps, when I made the volleyball team a few months later. I was actually pretty good at whole game and I was so thankful, and so happy to be a part of something like that. That team was made up of popular girls, not so popular girls and in betweeners like me. But on that court, we were all the same, and that harmony gave me alot of self-confidence and hope.

Freshman and JV volleyball came and went and in the weeks before my junior year tryouts, I found out news about the Varsity team. I wasn't super fond of the varsity coach, but I did respect her and admire her as a leader. I heard that the varsity team this year would be either wearing lolly bottoms (those that resemble underwear) or super super short spandex bottoms. Right then and there I got into a fight with my insecurities, my shortcomings, my low self-esteem; and they won. I chose to pass on trying out for that team, even though I knew I was good enough, because I knew I could not handle to wear those bottoms. They also played full court on the whole gym and the thought of everyone eyes on me every minute made me shudder. I missed those girls. I missed that feeling of belonging. I missed how it made me feel like I was somebody. That year I lost the last shred of self-confidence that my name was suppose to have given me. Its taken me till now to finally find me again.

Who was my name suppose to make me be?

It wasn't. It doesn't. It wont.

After too many years of believing this, keeping it ALL bottled up for far too long, and filling that black hole sized feeling of emptiness with food- Ive come to realize that a name is just a name. Just random letters someone at sometime threw together, made it sound nice and whipped it into a book with a diaper-clad baby on the front.

My name does not define me.

I define me.

Monday Morning Weigh-In...

This morning I actually woke up early so I could have a little time to myself to write, have a coffee, and get this dastardly deed over with. I made sure I had the exact pants and thin shirt on I weighed with last Monday, and in retrospect I probably should have weighed in in just my underwear but then again, last Monday I was doing it on the sneak and if I was walking around half naked I'm sure my kids would have figured something weird was going on. I made sure I peed as that has to add at least a few ounces.

Then I stood there. Not on the scale, but right in front of it. It was almost if the score was tied with :20 left and they were about to send me in to kick a field goal- I was nervous as hell. What if I stepped on that scale and it was the same as last Monday? What if it was like 1/4 pound? Would my brain start to defeat me? Start to rationalize that this effort isn't worth it and start smooth talking me into my old habits? Would those waves of disappointment I'm so very used to crash over me and re-ignite that flame of worthlessness?

After what felt like an hour, I stepped up on that glass scale of destiny. I read what it said, then I stepped down, let it beep to 0 and stepped up again. All in all I tripled checked it to make sure it was a constant reading.

I lost 3.4 lbs. If I was able to I would have jumped up and clicked my heels together. Thing is, I ate! I got to eat the whole week, I never once felt deprived, sad, upset or irritated at this whole lifestyle change. It was just WHAT I chose to eat that made the difference. And I entertained. So I kind of feel it was two battles in one. I just chose to serve food low in points that everyone likes anyway. Fajitas on Saturday with lots of onions and peppers sauteed in a tsp of olive oil and ckn breast seasoned well and sauteed with just that 1/2 tsp of EVOO (cringe RR) served with honey whole wheat tortillas for my guests and kids with the option of a 1 pt f/f tortilla for moi. Sunday it was baby backs slow cooked in the oven for 2 hours then slapped on the charcoal grill for that sugar char from the BBQ sauce that makes them so goood. Buffalo burgers...much less fat than beef, tossed salad with red wine vinegar and a touch of olive oil, grilled corn on the cob (to die for). I also made a faux crab dip with a pkg of f/f cream cheese and some imitation crab chopped up. Covered it with cocktail sauce and served with low fat triscuts and those new flat bread wheat thins.

This can be done. I can do this.

I am so thankful for this blog and for all of you who have messaged me, made comments or have chatted with me about it. And now I'm crying. Should have written this before the weigh in as I'm sure these tears weigh a ounce or so :)

Thank you for helping me overcome this battle, and for watching me down this long, long road. Seems funny to think that a little typing into cyberspace can be so therapeutic. For the first time that I've ever been on a diet, I feel confident that I'll succeed, happy for my choices, accepting of my past failures, and
proud to be me. Perhaps come November, I'll get to live not making excuses for my weight and excuses for my eating habits. Hopefully with a new body image (and new body) I'll have youthful energy, renewed self-respect, and the right to wear all the super cute clothes I always look at but can never wear.

I'm making 30 the new 20.

America the beautiful..

Happy Birthday America.

I adore you for inspiring countless men and women to serve our country and place their lives on the line for the freedoms you give us.


A piece of cloth may merely be
A oily rag, a remnents piece

A dusty towel a dirty shawl
For those to some that have it all

For us and more
For friend and foe

Those stars and strips forever glow
Yet fabric stained or torn or frayed

Our faith in red and blue's not strayed.

So fly it proud, so fly it high
A freedom symbol in your sky

That dirty towel blaze red and blue
They may not see it like we do

Top of sky pole to suits lapel
Fly your flag free...and fly it well.

Happy Birthday America.....may your flag fly forever free.

Busy is as busy does.

Happy Friday.

So today my dear mother called me around 9 from work to tell me that her and my dad will indeed be coming for the holiday weekend. Two thoughts immediately popped into my brain. First and more importantly, I was very happy as my children all feel their Gigi and Papa make the world go round, and I do love to have people over. The other thought that popped in my head was .. um, shit.

Yesterday the hubs got off work a bit early so he decided to come home and epoxy the garage floor. It turned out amazing tho- no complaints here. The issue: once all the stuff, knick knacks, broken brooms and endless plastic child toys are removed- you really don't want them to go back in. The dark brown and white speckle makes the floor look so inviting.. kind of like a latte- those rich and warm and comforting tones make you forget about the troubles for a minute.

Right.

So therefore, hence the above mentioned use of profanity, I remembered the entire driveway full of the garage contents. I'm hoping my mother... aka The White Glove will let it slide as we are going to weed through it over the next day or so on our day off to pick and choose whats really a necessity and whats really nothing more than junk.

The inside of my house is never an issue. Other than a few random crumbs here or there or recently played with toys, its always presentable as that's the way I like it. Never know who might pop by unannounced.. like my mother or the schwans guy, or the handful of salesmen, Jehovah and lost kitty seekers who for some reason think my acre of wooded driveway and a german shepherd isn't a deterrent enough to stay away.

So guess what? I had a super busy day. I got up, fed kids, called customers, went to the post office, fixed 2 leaks with Tony, picked up my new biz card magnets and yard signs (very well done), shopped for my now weekend full of guests, stopped at a yard sale and snagged a new dresser for elliana thats vintage off white and adorable, and countless other finds, came home, unloaded said finds, rearranged guest bedroom/office (love it now), hung new pictures in kitchen and scraped a vinyl letter saying onto my wall above the bed with the help of Coco.

Whew. It was a non-stop day of one thing after another and one thing leading into another. Now to the guess what answer: I barely even thought about food. I had a super healthy breakfast burrito for breakfast for 4 points, a piece of salmon and stir fry veggies for lunch, blueberries and a 60cal banana fudge cup and for dinner a honest tea for 1pt and a turkey sandwich on 9 grain.
I honestly have eaten that much in the first half of the day because my brain loved to keep my stomach happy by filling it INSTEAD of by keeping my body happy by ENTERTAINING it.

Ive honestly had a mini-headache for two days now. I think its a little from detox from not much refined sugar, not much caffeine and nothing being ingested that's been fried, dipped, coated in sugar or frosted. The other part I think is because my brains a bit pissed that I'm engaging it actually and having it be accountable for its decisions. It may be so sure it knew me, that Id never change and that it knew what were the things that made my world go round.

5 days of successful battle against the beast. Its kind of amazing how much more time there is in a day, and how much more you get done when you re not snacking on this or grabbing a handful of that.

Idle hands are most definitely the devil's handiwork.

Today I used the word boo-yah, and yes I said it Loud and Proud.

For starters, hats off to my lls laedermartin who told me about this raspberry fluff she made consisting of raspberry jello and free cool whip. She had me at hello and due to the excessive amount of salivation I wasn't able to properly ask her what the recipe was. So today..come Noon or so when I was throwing T some beef ribs and carrots and onions and squash in the trustworthy cast iron pot, I found a box of raspberry jello. I had previously purchased the free cool whip, even tho Im not even a cool whip person- I usually ate my pies and cakes naked. But, Kroger has them on for .99/each- buy 5 get a 3.00 off your next order catalina. Couple that with a .60/3 coupon that was out in sundays paper, and technically you're buying them for about 28 cents each. That friends, is a stock up price. But I digress.

So there we were... baby was sleeping, Anthony and Rocco were playing/fighting/playing, but Dominic and I were ready to get a little creative, and a little crazy in the kitchen. So here's what went down:

We took the bigger box of raspberry jello and mixed it with 2 cups of hot water. To that, we stirred in a tub of cool whip free. It turned into a foamy mess of what looked like bath bubbles but still smelled A+. In to the fridge it went till about 7ish when the kids were done with their sandwiches and baby lettuce and feta salads. That's when the bowl came back out of the fridge so Dom and I could see what we had created. It looked sketchy.. the top didn't really harden , but there was a layer of cloudy jello beneath that had set up. They loved it.. I scooped it out lunch lady style and they each devoured their little treat. Then it was my turn. I scooped a spoonful which I counted as one point even though technically it'd be zero...but I thought well two 0 pt foods should equal 1pt anyhow. Then the lightbulb. I opened the freezer and grabbed another container of coolwhip- this one the light version with 35 cals and 2g fat/ 3 Tbsp which is just 1 point as well.

Ok.. so picture it: The cloudy solidified bottom raspberry layer- then the cloud-like top lighter raspberry flavored layer kind of solid and foamy--- then 3 tbsp of Frozen Light cool whip.. and 1 pt worth of raspberries tossed on top and around not only for added flavor... but for garnish. As it goes, presentation is half the battle. Looks wise I was sold. Deep red, pinkish red, and bright white adorned with beautiful berries and its hard to not fall in love right away. But Im a texture kind of girl. If its slimy and creepy tasting or it leaves a funky film in your mouth like some jello does then all would be lost.

That friends, is when I, in a tone that would rival my fathers, said "Boo-yah".

It was amazing. The bottom layer was still jello like but it had such a dense flavor that it reminded me of a cake layer. The foamy pink layer was like a frosting that wasn't too sweet and the frozen cool whip was Exactly like a marshmallow ice cream. Throw in the sweet but tart handful of raspberries and it was good beyond belief.

Whew. That was alot of words just to tell you all about this super fab dessert. I think what surprised me most is that I ate it, loved it, and it was actually not a train wreck of fat, sugar or salt. I wasn't sure my brain was ever going to let me trick it into thinking it was eating something naughty when in fact it was eating something perfectly ok in moderation and something that tasted damn good.

So thank you Laedermartin, for planting the seeds about a magical fluff. Your words of wisdom inspired my 4 yr old and I to attempt a creation that we weren't so sure how would end up. It was soo good it made me yell a college boys word of jubilation at a tone I would tell my kids was not an "inside voice".

Dom and I will now have the courage to attempt more faux treats, more tasty meals that my brain sees as super tasty no-way-can-this-be good for us delights.

Expect more age inappropriate exclamations coming out of my kitchen..

The hidden control panel of destiny...

So this morning at breakfast, which consisted of organic eggs over-easy with a piece of 9 grain toast for the kids and I, my son Anthony asked me what he considered to be a very important question. "Mom, what if someone took you and made you into a robot?" Hmmm...it started my wheels spinning I guess just about how robotic everyday life can be.

Wake up, feed kids, get dressed, start activity, feed kids, outside play, snack, movie, feed kids, outside, bath and bed. That's pretty much the robotic routine I go through on the days I don't have my sitter and am working. Out of the 11 things listed, 4 are food-oriented. Overall, its safe to say that around half my days activities are exposing me to food. I'm not really trying to avoid these situations, as my kids need to eat healthy, balanced meals and have tasty snacks. For me, rebuilding my willpower with the shards that remain will quite possibly be a lifelong battle. Its funny how we do things in a unconscience manner as well. Popping a piece of said snack in our own mouths as we are preparing it for our kids and probably not even realizing that was an extra 50 calories or so that we weren't even thinking about. As for now, my lips are sealed at snack time- its 1 point every lick, bite or taste and frankly, that one frito just isnt worth it. Delicious as it may be with its stone ground corn fried goodness, if I skip the mini-binge I can have a whole cup of blueberries for the same point value. Albeit a bit of a dreamer and a pessimist, I am still a realist. Bring on the blueberries.

Perhaps being more robotic as time goes on is part of a defense mechanism that the human body flips on. Ever feel like you're just going through the motions? That you exist in this world but don't really 'live'? That time is flying by but you're still stuck in the same rut without much of an idea how to get out?

I suppose it would be much easier if we were built like robots. Then, when a bad habit or a bad lifestyle choice came about we could easily and quickly be reprogrammed. No commitment, no hard work, no better choices needed.. just a beep, bop, beep and viola: all of our vices gone, and replaced with fluffy hobbies like bird watching, crocheting and the love to patina garage sale finds.

Was I pre-programmed to have a lifelong battle with weight? Doubtful.
Have I been going through the motions and putting on a happy face to hide my overall unhappiness with myself and my issues? Potentially.
With time and effort and my commitment to cyberspace can I overcome this tiny obstacle? Absolutely.

After all these years Ive found my hidden control panel.

Make way for a newer, happier, thinner model of this person, also equip with fully recharged will power, the desire to exercise and at no extra charge an overall positive attitude towards food. It cooks healthy, it cleans, it laughs at your bad jokes, it even wears shorts comfortably in public...(gasp)

Available come November 2010.