Baa Baa Black Sheep... have you any wool..

Have you ever watched the movie Black Sheep with the late Chris Farley and the ever funny David Spade? I haven't seen it for years, but I enjoyed it when it came out. That man was a comic genius. Even with so-so material, he could spin it and make it hilarious. Remember the Chippendales skit from SNL? Tommy Boy? Those friends, were some great classics.

I earned my black woolen coat in may the spring of 1984.

So, my mom was working as a nurse down in Bay City, and she carpooled with these other ladies to and from work. Well one of those ladies had a husband who thought a guy he worked with would be great for my mom. They met on a blind date. I know!!!! How funny. I know my mom HAD to be nervous, after all she was not quite a year out from her divorce, with a 2 yr old kid (and as we all know existing babies are not quite a guy magnet), and she's very quiet and shy so I bet she was freaking out. Think prom date times 1000 cause she had never even met him before. What if something like Andy Dick stepped out of the car....ugh... I'm sure it was nerve racking. Even tho everyone who has ever met my dad likes him, I bet he was shitting his pants too- he gets nervous and you can really see it and tell when he is uneasy about something. My mom said she peeked out of the window and when she saw him she felt her heart do a flip-flop. It wasn't long after they started dating that he was ready to get married...but she wanted to not rush it seeing as how her first go round with my real "father" was a hot mess. My real "father" turned out to be one of those "awesome before marriage....shitbag after" kind of guys. I am always sorry she had to go through such a nightmare.. but am thankful for the fact that I am here because of it..and I say that in the least selfish way possible.

My Dad came to my 2nd birthday party and bought me a red hoodie zip up. Im not sure how I was towards him when I was 2. I do have vague memories of having to share my mom who had been mine, and mine alone for as long as I could remember. 2 Mays later and I was wearing a rose colored dress, carrying a basket of flowers, and starring in the role of flower girl :) I remember at the reception during the bridal party dance my cousin who was the ringbearer wouldn't dance with me. I longed for acceptance so badly that I actually remember feeling upset. Would the rest of this new blend of families see me the same way?

That, friends, was the only the beginning. For my mom, it was the beginning to a beautiful life with a wonderful man-its been over 25 years now- and for me this was my chance to have a dad. A real dad. One who stuck around and did the dad stuff, and treated my mom like a real man should. Neither of us could have asked for a better guy to sign up for the job. My dad is great with kids, loyal to his people and has an over all zest for life in general.

But something was missing. 26 years later and I still resent my real "father". He stole from me something I never got to experience with my dad. There was always love there, don't get me wrong, there was always support and advice and stern talks and opinions, but there was never that Daddy-daughter thing that I see in so many of my girlfriends relationships with their fathers. If I was in trouble and needed someone to bail me out, help me out, have my back or protect me, I would not have gone to him. That's not saying that he wouldn't have done those things...its just saying that I was always so wrapped up in the constant disappointment I handed over to him that I wouldn't want him to think I was any more of a loser. I was not blood, therefore I did not inherit the natural God given good looks, talent, smarts, athletic ability, computer genius, executive material...I could go on forever. I was more of like a mutt. I was nothing to look at, halfway smart, mediocre at sports, not real driven or passionate about one subject, and every day of my life I felt I would never be good enough for anyone on his side of the family. Including him.

I have so many vivid memories of being young.. like 6-10 years old, but SMART enough to know I was being kind of treated different. I learned to accept my status as a black sheep. I was never treated badly, just sometimes treated differently. I was expected to do things one way while others had the leisure and privilege to do things another way. I know the pressure was on him. Who wants to have adopted a daughter who wasn't a shining star? Who wasn't as pretty as her cousins, as athletic as them, as smart or as driven as them. Who wants someone who messed up alot in alot of serious choices she made? Who would be proud of that?

I can remember a time that a family member took my cousins and I to McDonalds for lunch. They brought me a sandwich to eat there because they felt I needed to lose some weight. Maybe that was true at that time, I was pudgy when I was younger as well. But I was also like 9. I was just a kid. I will never forget that and the feeling I felt as I sat there. It is the same feeling that I feel whenever I think about this topic. Its why I never talk about it, never bring it up, never say anything about anything. It hurts like hell to not feel good enough, to be treated in a different way, to be branded a black sheep from the word go. Was it really so horrible? Was it really so hard to love someone who so badly needed to belong? To feel loved and accepted by the people who were always suppose to love and accept you? The pressure they put on my dad because of the things I chose to do and say affected the relationship I have with him. I am not his daddy's girl. I am not the apple of his eye. I'm not even sure if I deserve to be. But I want to be. And if it takes me until the day I croak I will do what I need to do to make him proud. It may not be because of a fantastic career, a fantastic net worth or a fabulous lifestyle of a personal trainer, but because I am who I am. I am almost 30, but when I am around him I feel like I am 6. I am so happy anytime he decides to come with my mom and visit. I wait for conversations with him about stuff we agree on or stuff we are both interested in so maybe he will think I'm smart. Every once in awhile he will just call me out of the blue and it makes my whole day. I wonder how old you have to be before you stop looking for approval from your parents? I wonder how different my life would have been if I didn't have this void that was suppose to have been filled my being someones little girl. Would I not have constantly went from boyfriend to boyfriend and sought male approval? Would I have liked myself for who I was and not hated myself for who I needed to be but refused to be? Did we miss out on that special bond between father and daughter that's somehow instilled when sperm meets egg?

I see that bond every day. I see it when Tony gets home from work and Elliana sighs and says.. Daadaa. She's glued to him the first hour hes home like an appendage. I watch him as he watches her play and he has this half smile on and is gazing at her with a profound love. My heart melts when he says.."Youre the prettiest baby girl in the world, you're daddys ger-gerl." If I could have given my daughter one gift when she was born..that would have been it. That bond she has with her daddy will keep her spirit lifted long until she is gray.

The black sheep. Its a position Ive held for many years, and will happily hold for many more. He is worth it to me. He is the best dad I could have asked for. It is never too late for me to make him proud and become his little girl.

After all, black wool is always in style.